Cue that soft, sweet, romantic music
that is actually just screaming “f*** you” subtly in the background. This is
one of those stories that you hear about happening to your friend’s friends and
always think, “Dang, that guy is so lucky.” Well, being in that situation
myself now, I don’t necessarily feel all that lucky. I mean, it’s not really
bad, persay, but it has definitely caught me off guard at an interesting time.
Now before I actually tell you this
story, I want to establish something. I would almost bet money that you saw
this document and thought, “Really? An entire word document? I think that is a
bit much Ben…” I did try texting this story to someone earlier, and after about
16 pages of text, I gave up and called them to tell the rest of the story. If
you really want to enjoy this, just go through it. Not sold? Okay, here’s the
TL;DR. You’re call whether to keep going.
·
Me: Did that all seriously happen?
·
Keegan: Yes
·
Me: This all just seriously just happened?
·
Keegan: Yes you have a date Friday with the
girl you deemed hot. Wouldn’t lie to ya.
·
Keegan: You’re welcome Felix J
Let’s be honest, the fact that I have
a date is strange enough. (Yes, take a moment to laugh, screw you too.) But
life is all about the story. So, enough stalling, time for me to really start
typing.
I have been going to Pie Wednesday in
such a devout manner that I have not missed a single Wednesday that I have been
in town for for four years. I freaking love me some pie. That aside, I naturally
know the waiting staff pretty well by face, if not by name. So when Keegan
leaned over to me and asked, “is she new?” I knew the answer.
“The girl is the bright green shirt?
Ya she is.” It was pretty hard to miss her. She was pretty tall for a girl,
wearing a neon green shirt, and standing right at the front next to the
counter.
“Do you think she’s cute?”
“Ya, she is pretty cute.” And folks,
if you know Keegan… well, that was all he needed to hear.
The next
hour consisted of what I am fairly certain is treading the legal line of
torture. Everyone at the table would take part in talking loudly about the cute
waitress Ben liked as waiters passed by our table, including a couple of times
said cute waitress passed by the table. Martina, our weekly Pie waitress, was
waaay too amused by all this, and Keegan made sure to that she knew exactly what
was going on. The most awkward point of this part of the story was when my ex-girlfriend
started joining in on all of this. I’m not a blusher, but I would be lying if I
tried to tell you that most of my evening wasn’t spent with my beat red face in
my hands. I was laughing, but still embarrassed.
This story
wouldn’t be a good story if it ended right there. In fact, it would have
probably been for the best if it had. That, of course, is not the case. I had an
evening commitment to make, not to mention my face was about to set alight, so
I figured it was a decent time to leave. But first things first! I had drank a
lot of coffee.
And a
quick segue*. That was an amazing piss. For those of you who don’t know me all
that well, coffee is my cigarettes and alcohol. It’s my anti-depressant, it’s
my relaxation pill, my pain medication. Life has been weird as it is, but when
you stack a night like I was having on top, I was needing a lot of my meds.
Coffee in, coffee out. And out. And out. And like a responsible citizen, I
washed my hands afterward, having to wait in line behind a father and his four
young boys. Now you may be wondering, why this is so important, why must I
continue to ramble on about my glorious piss? Because it bought the Pie table
time. To be more specific, it gave Keegan the time he needed to take care of
business.
While I
was merrily relieving myself, Keegan was chatting up a storm with the hostess,
Taylor.
Wait, did
I say chatting? I meant plotting. Definitely meant plotting.
I come out
of the bathroom feeling better and a little bit cleaner, and do a quick scan of
the are—OH CRAP WHERE’S KEEGAN AND ADAM!? Taylor is shooting me these really
funny encouraging looks, and nodding her head towards the cute waitress. I have
to wrap around near the front counter to get my bill from the table, and as I
pass by, Taylor says, “You should totally do it.”
And I felt
my face flush. “What the fuck happened?” I asked Adam when I got back to the table.
“I’ll tell
you in the car.” He responds.
“No
seriously, what the fuck is going on.” I look over at Keegan and the kid is
practically bouncing. The smile he was wearing probably ripped some sort of
muscle in his face.
“Just talk
to her,” he says. “Ask her out, there’s nothing wrong with that!”
At this
point I am thinking that dine and dash is a pretty viable option, seeing as
cute waitress is standing, you guessed it! Right at the front. Right next to
where Keegan was talking to Taylor, right next to Taylor when she was
encouraging me to “totally do it.” But I know Village Inn pretty well- again, 4
years. And there is only one viable exit that won’t get me kicked out of the restaurant.
That exit, of course, is right out the front door, past Taylor, escorted by
Keegan, right past cute waitress girl.
I walk up
to the front counter head down with that desperate, “don’t look don’t look don’t
look” attitude, but like we all know at this point, this doesn’t work, because
Keegan is on a mission, and he now has support from another employee. As I am
paying I get multiple more encouragements from Taylor, who is speaking loudly
enough for cute waitress girl to hear, who is now a little curious as to what
is going on.
I am now
really close to leaving. I am soooo close. I was trying to get out so much that
I accidentally tipped Martina twice, but if it got me out faster, I really didn’t
care. I turn away from the counter, I take my first step towards the door…
“Just ask
her!” Apparently Keegan decided enough was enough with the subtleties.
Another couple
steps towards the door.
“Seriously,
you should do it!” Taylor this time. Cute waitress girl is about 3 feet behind
and to my left. At this point, there is no denying what exactly is going on,
and it was only going to be a few seconds before cute waitress pieced it all
together, because she was the only one who seemed to not know what was going
on, and there was a super embarrassed, exceedingly handsome, dashing young man
walking towards the door (I lol’ed writing that part. Needed some stress relief
here, this story isn’t done yet.)
I turn
around to face everyone all at once- Taylor, Keegan, Adam right behind him, and
of course, cute waitress. Ashley. Her name tag says Ashley.
“I think
we’ll give you two some alone time.” Keegan and Adam walk out. This will be the
first time in the night that my jaw drops and that befuddled, “ahh… uhh…” sound
comes out of my mouth. Ashley, the cute waitress, now has the perfect “wtf?”
face on and timidly asks, “Whaaat’s going on…?”
Well, all
bets are off now. I just walk out, I look like an ass. I stay for more than 10
seconds, I’ll sound like an ass. Your call, Ben…
“Apparently
our friends are trying to hook us up.” A simple, blanket statement. Smart,
right?
“Oh…”
“Ya…”
Several awkward seconds pass. Taylor now has the same muscle ripping smile
Keegan had.
Oh crap,
my brain is starting to engage. GTFO!!! “You have a nice day. Maybe I’ll see
you around,” I said with a small smile, and with a nod of my head I’m off.
This
should be the end of the story. Ashley won’t work any more Wednesdays, I don’t
have time to go to Village Inn on any other normal day of the week, and by the
time that random happenstance kicked in, Ashley would have forgotten me.
But by now
you know that, had that been the end of this story, it wouldn’t have made a
very good tale except for that, “Ya, I almost asked a waitress out one time,
but I blew it” story that you tell a couple years from now over a couple of
drinks with the guys.
That is not the end of this story though. Because after I left, more plans were hatched, for Keegan hadn’t left yet. I am driving down the interstate and I get a call from Keegan.
That is not the end of this story though. Because after I left, more plans were hatched, for Keegan hadn’t left yet. I am driving down the interstate and I get a call from Keegan.
“Hey, what
program are you in at UNO right now?”
“Well, I
am technically in the vocal performance program right now.” Then the brain
kicks in. CRAP! “Why do you—“
“So he’s
in the voc-“*click. Phone hangs up.
I turn to
Adam. “What the fuck just happened.” He just starts laughing. The phone is
plugged in to the car, so he hears everything. “Seriously, what the fuck is
going on??”
Another
minute of this ensues before I get another call from Keegan.
“What are
you doing Friday night?”
“I… I work
until 8…”
“Perfect,
you’ve got a dinner at 8:30 at Cheddars! Can you make that?”
My jaw
drops. I try to vocalize, but everything comes out in sputters and derps.
Cue
Wingman #2 of the night: Adam. “Yes! Yes he can!”
“Are you
sure?”
“Yup!”
Adam replies. I try to say something, but am overlapped by, “Hush Ben, I’m
speaking for you.” (For those of you who may know the reference, think
Team4Star.)
“Alright,
don’t stand her up! Have fun!” *click*
Speechless.
Absolutely, utterly speechless.
Again, the
story could have ended here, and now
it would have been a fairly worthy story. But no, there is a little more yet.
The reason I was driving was because I was going to UNO for something. Adam was
with me. So syllogistically speaking (think the transitive property in math): I
am driving, Adam is with me, Adam is not driving, Adam doesn’t have his car
with him. Adam’s car is at Village Inn still, and I have to take him back to
get it.
Well, let’s
think nothing of it, eh? It’s no problem. Adam is coming to the apartment
afterward to play some good ol’ classic Halo, and we’re pretty stoked. So we
get to Village Inn and we both hop out of the car because we’re in the middle
of a conversation. Walking towards his car, he looks over and says, “Hey, isn’t
that Ashley?”
Okay, that’s
just too perfect. I call BS on him. “No, really,” he continues. “She’s washing
the doors. Look it’s opening now!” Village Inn is lined with windows, and it’s
entrance is two sets of glass doors. I look over and…
“OH SHIT!”
I dive back over to my car and hop in. I can already hear Adam laughing as he
grabs a piece of paper, writes down my name and number, and gives it to her.
And that,
for the most part, is all the story I have for you. We’ve been texting back and
forth for a bit now. She added me on Facebook, which gave me a chance to find
out as much as possible before a potential date. And I have, for all intents
and purposes, a blind date with my waitress. Normally that implies you don’t
know who you’re going with, but I think this situation is close enough.
Let’s say
that again. I, Benedict “Coffeebreak” Rasmussen, the introverted nerd, who
spends his free time programming and, not playing video games, but talking
in-depth about them, have a blind date.
Considering
I literally choke when talking to girls I already know… well, this should be
interesting.
Of course,
more details to follow if the date goes through.
*I now
realize the irony of taking a line to inform the audience of a segue. Segue: Move without interruption from one… scene to another.
